Learning to Love Again
by Dolphin02
Summary: The feeling hasn't exactly sunk in yet. She's gone. Maybe I'm just dreaming? I never deserved her anyway. Why can't I just get over her and be happy? Oh. That's right. She was my best friend. My love, my soul mate, my EVERYTHING. How can I let her go? Oldrival.


**AN: I was just feeling really, really sad. Sorry guys, but this is a sad story. There is not a happy ending.**

 **I am so so so sorry for Christina Grimmie's death. I have followed everything she has done, from the very beginning. And...I can't even believe it. She's dead.**

 **Murdered. Homicide. In cold blood. As you know, I follow the Voice, and well. It's just...that could have been anybody.**

 **I wrote this listening to Just a Dream cover Sam Tsui, for Christina and LOSS | Just A Dream (For Christina Grimmie) ft. KHS, Drake, P!nk, Wiz Khalifa, Alan Walker, Charlie Puth** **. Please go listen to them.**

 **Then there is the Orlando shooting. I am sorry if I have offended any of you in any way. It seems I am not very good at wording things correctly. I did not mention the Orlando shooting for attention, or anything. I was truly heartbroken to hear this, and I was very very sad. I did mention that this does not have the same stuff from the Orlando shooting. I just wanted to send my condolences to the families, friends, and loved ones of the victims. I am really really really sorry for offending anyone.**

 **I find that it's become a real life, more and more common situation. I have friends that are bi, and I know that they are beautiful people, even if they are bi, and it's not fair to take someone's life because of it. No matter what you believe.**

 **This doesn't have the same kinda stuff, just sad, angsty stuff that is supposed to make you cry.**

 **Also, this is the first first-person story I have written. I hope you guys cry...literally.**

* * *

"Hey."

I felt my heart break again. I ran a finger over her brown hair that really filtered into hundreds of shades of brown in the sunlight. Her beautiful green eyes, and her small hands, and her full lips and button nose. Too bad it was just a glossy photograph.

"You okay?"

 _No. How on earth do you want me to be okay?_

"Yeah. Of course I am. Time to move on, right?"

"Liar. You are not okay. Tell me what's going on."

 _You want me to explain heartbreak? The absolute pain, when you realize...that everything you have ever dreamed of, was for nothing? You want me to explain falling love in the cruelest way possible, the hole in my heart that will never go away?_

"I'm fine. Serious."

"Come on Gary. I know you better than this."

 _Yes you do Drew. Thank you for being here, but I can't burden you with me. You don't need me, not this broken version of me. How am I supposed to move on? When my best friend, when my love, when my soul mate, my EVERYTHING is gone? How am I supposed to be okay when she's gone?_

"It's okay Drew. I'm just going to the bathroom. I'll be back after I clean up a little. I'm fine."

"Gary let's talk about this! Don't just leave me here standing..." Drew trailed off, his hands buried in his unruly hair. I lifted my head from my feet and the ground, meeting his desperate eyes.

"I am fine." My voice was cracked and hoarse, but just as confident and indifferent as usual.

 _I am not fine. Please help me._

I strolled out of the room, my eyes burning with the urge to hold back tears, and I swallowed hard as I heard Drew shutting the door and the quiet sobs behind the door.

"Young sir, are you okay?" The kind nurse placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, but I simply shook her off.

"I'm just tired."

 _I can't take this anymore._

I continued on, the men's room just in reach-

"Gary! Have you ate yet? Brother dear, you are loosing weight." Daisy stopped me, her wide eyes worried.

"I already ate." I answered carelessly, making my way towards the men's room.

 _I starve myself now, what's the point of living? She's gone._

"Baby bro, are you okay?"

"I'm better, I promise." I gave her a rare smile.

 _I've never been this bad._

Daisy nodded slowly before leaving me alone, and I disappeared through the men's room door.

When the door creaked open after me, my hands tightened into fists.

"Gary. Please. Just talk to me, man. I don't like you this way. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like any of this. May is sobbing over in the hospital room over there, and Serena is crying with her. Dawn is on the way...and..." Drew's voice cracked loudly, and he pleading green eyes met mine in the mirror.

"Go away."

 _Show me you care enough to stay._

"Gary! You are not okay, and I'm not leaving you."

"Go away!" I growled, slamming my fist against the mirror.

"Gary," Drew whispered, his pained expression softening into a worried one. "You aren't okay."

"I'm okay." I dropped my gaze back onto the floor. "I'm fine. I'm okay."

 _I just wan_ _t to die. She's gone anyways._

"Gary, stop hiding, please." Drew's voice was so resigned.

I turned around, my gaze hot and angry, but all the fight left me when I saw Drew's expression. "Just leave me alone. I need some time to get over this. By myself."

My numb feet carried me through the pristine, too-clean hospital. I needed to be home, be with my love.

But she was gone.

Somehow, I found myself curled up in a swathe of blankets, a box of tissues, my phone, and a photo book.

I flipped through the pages, not bothering to wipe away the silent tears. And when the shuddering sobs shook through my body, I didn't bother reaching for the tissues, staring through my blurry eyes at the beautiful girl on the pages.

 _Oh Leaf, why did you have to go? I miss you so much already. And it's only been a day. I don't think I can even admit it to myself. You are gone. I hate it. I hate that you broke up with me, and didn't tell me why...until Serena called me to the ER. Why? Why didn't you tell me you had...terminal cancer?_

A fresh wave of sobs broke through my body as I looked at her bright green eyes, filled to the brim with mirth, her lips pressed against somebody's forehead. My forehead. I still could feel her lips, giving a comforting kiss.

 _Why did you do it? Because you wanted me to hate you? So I could be happy and move on? Well I can't. Because you were the love of my life. I was going to marry you. I was going to propose in a few weeks...but you 'cheated' on me. On purpose, didn't you Leaf? You loved me enough to let me go. But I don't know how to move on without you. And soon, you'll be buried under the ground._

 _You always loved the phrase, 'six feet under'. But I couldn't bear the thought of it actually being true. Maybe I dreamed everything up. Leaf...maybe your still alive. Maybe, you aren't dead._

I flinched when my phone buzzed, having no idea for how long I was crying and screaming myself hoarse.

The screen was a mess of colors, but somehow, Gary could make out a few words.

 **Published 5 sec ago.**

 **KANTO KEEP-UPS**

 **David Dinndorf**

 **Famous Champion Leaf Green, Died Saturday Morning**

 _Ms. Leaf Green died yesterday, on Saturday, June 11th, 2016._

 _She had been found with terminal cancer in February, which she kept away from the press and her family and friends, when she realized she only had a few months left to live._

 _Her manager released this information, off her will, and_

Gary stopped reading after that.

Because he was crying again, like a big baby, with tears flooding his already soaked cheeks, his eyes squeezed shut from pain. It wasn't just a dream. It wasn't fake. Leaf was DEAD. Leaf hid everything from him. She cheated on him, but it was fake. Her letter said so. She only wanted the best for him. But...

 ** _"Here." Her manager seemed so tired. "I'm sorry for your loss. We lost an amazing person...I..."_**

 ** _She broke off, her voice thick with tears, hair messed up crazily, red-rimmed eyes, and wet cheeks._**

 ** _I flinched at the picture Leaf's manager made. She sniffled lightly._**

 ** _"I'm sorry, so sorry Gary. She...told me to give you this letter, if you came to the hospital and found out the truth. She said...she said that May and her other friends may call you, but she wasn't sure. She just wanted you to have this letter if you came to the hospital and questioned after her, and was here for her death. Please respect her and read it, even if you hate her for cheating on you. Please." The desperation was clear in her voice._**

 ** _"Alright." My voice was cold, devoid of emotion, but still somehow trembling and weak. I grabbed for the letter, and when my hand clasped around it, I didn't bother saying 'thank you', just yanked it from her hand and stalking out of the waiting room._**

 ** _I wanted to punch something when I saw the loopy, elegant cursive._**

 ** _Dear Gary, my best friend, my love, my soul mate, my everything,_**

 ** _I couldn't let you go on hating me, no matter what my first plan was. I'm a coward. I can't stand the thought of you not loving me, of the fact that you feel hatred when you hear about me. I couldn't. I'm such a coward._**

 ** _I did it so you would hate me. So it would be easier for you to move on. I found the ring in the sock drawer. So typical. I know you hide everything important in there. It's so weird writing this, because I'll be dead when you read it._**

 ** _That makes me sad. That you have to go through all this pain. I just want you to be happy, but I also selfishly want you to love me. I think that makes me a horrible person. I'm sorry for hurting you._**

 ** _I love you so much Gary. You don't know how much I love you. I selfishly hope you feel the same for me...but again, it's quite selfish of me. Because I'll be dead...or I am dead. And you will have to go through the pain of loosing me. Maybe I'm just humoring myself._**

 ** _Perhaps you already hate me so much, getting over me is cake. And if that's the case, I'm torn. I'm relieved, because you don't have to go through all of that pain, but at the same time, I want you to want me. I want you to love me._**

 ** _But on the chance that you do still love you, I want you to know that I loved you till my last breath._**

 ** _You were my everything._**

 ** _You still are actually._**

 ** _Please get over me and be happy. There are so many beautiful, kind girls out there, who would love you, and care for you._**

 ** _They're better for you._**

 ** _I mean, a sick, dying girl? No matter how much love I give, I still won't be enough._**

 ** _Please darling._**

 ** _Move on. I'll be smiling down from above, but it would hurt so much if you simply never moved on and became a shell of the great Gary Oak._**

 ** _I love you so much. I love you enough...to let you go. I have come to terms with my terminal cancer weeks ago. I'm okay._**

 ** _But I just want my loved ones to be okay too._**

 ** _I love you so much. So so so much. Be happy. Be happy, and I'll be happy._**

 ** _I love you._**

 ** _I can't say that enough._**

 ** _So then be happy._**

 ** _Be happy, remember that I love you, and find someone else that'll love you._**

 ** _Don't play around again._**

 ** _Love again._**

~ **_Love,_**

 ** _Your Leafy_** ** _Forever_**

 ** _That's when my heart broke in two._**

I flipped through more pictures, all a blur. But one thing was constant. The beautiful girl that I loved.

But she was gone.

I would never see her again. Never kiss those soft lips. Never look at her in her intelligent green eyes. I would never battle her again. I would never hold her hand. I would never eat dinner with her. I would never joke around with her. I would never ever be able to anything with her again.

My world was shattered, and my soul was just as fractured.

She was my everything. I revolved around her. She was my world. I loved her so much, it hurt.

We loved sweetly, patiently, but passionately and fiery all at once.

But we would never have that again.

 _Terminal cancer._

"WHY!?"

 _Why. Why did it have to be terminal? Why didn't we find it earlier? Why did it have to be my love? Why did it have to take her so fast? Why does it have to be so painful? Why couldn't I just get over it?_

The tightening my chest sped up, and I was gasping for air, shaking sobs and smeared tears all over. I cried and cried, and yelled and screamed, but the sharp, hopeless pain just wouldn't go away.

More and more tear pricked my eyes, and I felt sick to my stomach.

I stumbled up and somehow managed to find the bathroom in my haze of tears and sobbing.

And then I puked up everything I had in the last few days, my tears mingling in with the pungent stench of vomit.

When I didn't have anything left, I dry heaved, and started puking up my stomach acid as well, the liquid burning through my throat in a painful trail. I choked and gasped on my own vomit, still crying and hiccuping painfully. In those few moments, the physical pain and panic that gripped me, was almost equivalent to my mental.

But it wasn't, because nothing could compare to the feeling of loosing Leaf.

I felt like I was being slowly gutted, like I had been socked in the face, and the stomach and they wouldn't stop crunching my bones in half. I was trembling with fury and grief, my body tight and taut with emotions.

After all that, I just laid my head against the cool, smooth, porcelain toilet, heaving. The lights were off, and in the darkness, I located the small glowing light of the fire alarm. Blue, tiny and glowing. Constant.

Then I felt sick again.

Why was it that something so insignificant, like the fire alarm light, could be constant. Never stopping unless the electricity ran out. But my Leaf couldn't be?

Why couldn't she still be here?

The thought brought back a fresh wave of sobs, sniffling, hiccuping, and gagging.

When I choked so hard, I was suddenly unable to breathe, I felt the darkness creep along my vision, and the familiar light-headed feeling come back.

And I welcomed the darkness, hoping that I wouldn't wake up.

I'd rather be with Leaf, then be in this torture for the rest of my life.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to come?" Serena asked quietly, her hand clutched tightly in Calem's. He rubbed soothing circles on her hand, and I clamped down my teeth tightly, trying to keep from crying out. I used to do that to Leaf when she was stressed out.

But I would never do it again.

"Yeah," I said tightly. "I need to say goodbye."

Serena turned to me with large, sad, too-old for her years eyes. "Yes, I think you do. It's been four years Gary. She would have wanted you to move on. You know how she is. Loving, selfless till the end."

"She said she was selfish in wanting me to love her," I told her softly.

"Yes," Serena's grip tightened against Calem's arm.

"But she loved you so much. I don't blame her for wanting your love. Besides, you never hated her. You still loved her anyways. She just wanted to be loved when she died. I think that's fair."

I nodded gravely, my feet carrying me forwards.

Serena and Calem didn't follow me, allowing time with my best friend, alone.

"Hey Leaf. I love you."

My voice sounded broken, yet cold and detached. I cleared my throat and traced the curvy, loopy cursive on the stone.

 _Leaf Green_

My heart broke again, but I bit through the fresh pain of loosing her. Four years was nothing.

I had gone on autopilot, and somehow finished college, and got my dream job, but my mind was still on Leaf. I never had another girl, I never dated another girl, or kissed another girl. But I thought I was ready to let go of Leaf, to let her go and love again.

"I love you so much. But I've come to terms with everything. I wish you were still here. But I still love you. I always will." I ran my hand over it slowly, carefully.

"Bye Leafy." I pressed a kiss against the cool stone, before standing up and walking away.

"Come on." Green eyes met my own brown ones, and a feminine hand grasped my own. I twirled a brown curl in around my hand, and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Hey Kenney. Let's go."

Wide innocent eyes peered behind me. "Who is that?"

I grinned gently and pulled her towards my car, lacing my fingers through hers with a bittersweet smile.

"That darling, is who would've been your mother, if she was still alive." I smiled so hard, it hurt, but Kenney's wide green eyes nodded knowingly.

"Okay Daddy. Maybe one day, I'll talk to Mommy too."

I felt the familiar prick of tears at the thought. My daughter, even if she was adopted, was my everything now. And Leaf, would be happy if she knew I had moved on, and loved again.

And when I took one last look back towards the amassed graves looming there, I let out a loud sigh.

Leaf, would be happy.

* * *

 **AN: I've been sobbing for a while because life just hit me really hard right now.**

 **One of my friends is cutting, another is seriously depressed and has tried to commit suicide three times, and I had to stop her from running in front of a car recently. Another friend is having nightmares and dark thoughts and is breaking because she is also friends with the previously mentioned. I'm barely holding on for them, keeping my head above the depressing waves.**

 **I have a lot of guy friends and I only see them at swimming, but they moved up and they're just...gone.**

 **I rarely see most of my friends because of summer, and I'm super busy. I'm feeling more and more alone, and scared for my friends. I'm like tired and half awake, and crying, and mourning the loss of others, and I'm really close to just...snapping. This was a coping mechanism, and I'm sorry if it wasn't to your liking.**

 **-Ange**


End file.
